Daters beware! “Cookie jarring” is on the rise, and while it may sound sweet, it’s anything but. This toxic dating trend, which originally surfaced in 2019, according to the Daily Mail, has made a comeback, and it occurs when someone dates multiple people at the same time to find the right match. However, in their pursuit of love, they may have no genuine intention of building a long-term relationship with some of the people they date.

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Relationship expert Arrezzo Azim says that this strategy can be particularly dangerous for the person who is being cookie jarred because oftentimes they are being strung along, kept on the back burner until their indecisive date finally decides whether they want to progress the relationship. This could lead to heartbreak for some. 

“Let’s be honest, you’re keeping them on the side because you want to have somebody else as [a] back-up in case this doesn’t work out,” Azim, a Positive Psychology Coach, told the Daily Mail on July 4. “The attention’s amazing — but the long-term effects are a lot worse if you do it that way.”

Why do people commit cookie-jarring? 

Finding love and building a committed relationship with someone can feel scary, and if that feeling isn’t mutual, it can lead to heartbreaking rejection. People who cookie jar typically have their defense guard up when dating, so to prevent the “sting” of rejection from surfacing, they may string someone along to have them as a “back up plan” even though there may not be a romantic spark, explained Azim in a TikTok video posted in 2021. Bottom line: they are insecure. 

But this toxic dating habit benefits no one, says Theresa Herring, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Herring, founder of Centered Connections in Illinois, explained that this approach often leaves the person on the receiving end feeling confused and emotionally dependent if a romantic connection develops.

“And it prevents the person you’ve cookie jarred from meeting someone who actually likes them enough to date them,” Herring told NBC News in 2019. 

Additionally, it can backfire if the person that the cookie jarrer is genuinely interested in finds out.

How do you protect yourself?

So, how do you protect yourself from cooking jarring? According to psychologist and author Tina B. Tessina, there are a few tell-tale signs of cooking jarring that you should be on high alert for when dating.

“​​If your date never wants to make a definite plan (would you like to go out Friday night?) and just wants to come over to your house on the spur of the moment, he/she doesn’t make an effort to keep in touch (you should not be making all the effort) and doesn’t seem to think about the future, they’re probably just using you as ‘reserve,” she revealed to NBC News. 

If you notice those signs, it’s time to have an honest conversation. Before doing so, make sure you’re clear about what you want from the relationship. That way, you can decide whether to move forward based on how the other person responds.

If you’re reading this and identify as a cookie jarrer, dating trend expert Eugénie Legendre says you should give yourself time to date someone “without the influence of anyone else,” to see if there is truly a connection worth building before you move on to the next person. Give it some time to see if something truly special develops. 

Have you ever been the victim of cookie jarring, or found yourself doing it to someone else? Share your experience in the comments below.

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A new toxic dating trend is making the rounds, and while it might seem harmless at first, it could be sabotaging your chances of building a genuine connection with someone over time. It’s called “floodlighting,” the tendency to overshare deeply personal information too early in the dating process. 

Although opening up may feel like a way to build intimacy, doing so before trust is established can be overwhelming or off-putting to the other person. Remember, you’re still getting to know each other, and real trust takes time to develop.

“This sharing can feel like a shortcut to closeness, but it often overwhelms the listener, making the connection feel intense but unsteady,” explained Dr. Sarah Hodges, a Therapy Network Manager at the mental health-centered company Headspace, during an interview with Today published April 16. “Unlike intentional vulnerability, which unfolds over time and is reciprocal, floodlighting tends to be one-sided and can sometimes push the other person away.”

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It’s natural to want to share personal stories about your family or an anecdote about that time your high school bully embarrassed you, but deeply personal experiences about your life are best revealed gradually, as you build a genuine connection with your date. These conversations should unfold naturally over time, explained Dr. Hodges. Opening up too quickly, especially on a first or second date, can come across as overwhelming or even desperate, and may place unnecessary pressure on the other person before trust has had a chance to develop.

“Instead of letting trust develop naturally, it’s like skipping ahead to the most intense part of a relationship before the foundation is there,” the therapist added. 

Why do people commit floodlighting?

Why do people floodlight, you ask? According to Dr. Hodges, this bad habit often stems from an anxious attachment style, the deep need to be accepted fully—flaws and all—right from the start. Many people don’t even realize they’re doing it most of the time. But it’s typically a subconscious tick that occurs when someone is trying to “test” the “emotional availability” of their potential partner, hoping that they respond well to their vulnerabilities.

“This concept resonates because so many people—especially those with unresolved trauma—are desperate for deep connection, but aren’t sure how to build it safely,” she noted.

Jessica Alderson, co-founder of the dating app, So Synced, put it this way: Floodlighting can often stem from a need for reassurance rather than intentional manipulation. However, in an interview with Glamour on Feb. 25, she pointed out that some people may consciously or unconsciously use this behavior to fast-track emotional intimacy, which can put pressure on the other person and lead to premature emotional entanglement. 

At the same time, the person floodlighting may also be putting themselves at risk of emotional exploitation. This behavior can create imbalanced dynamics in a relationship. When one person shares deeply and frequently, while the other is left in the role of emotional supporter or caretaker, it can lead to a dynamic where one partner appears overly dependent or fragile. Healthy relationships thrive on a mutual and balanced exchange of vulnerability, built gradually over time.

Bottom line, being open is key to connection, but in the early stages of dating, pace matters. Let trust grow gradually because intimacy built slowly is intimacy built to last.

Are you guilty of committing this toxic dating trend?

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